any given Sunday..

I've noticed that everytime I am freely given the opportunity to hangout, like God  has given me this moment --- I always end up hurt or at least sad. Is it because I needed to see what reality was?
If it is... I'm all updated with that. I am fully aware we're not going anywhere (and suddenly I hear someone says "WHATS THE POINT?") but I love him --- I really do. @@

I just had to walk away there because I cant stand another laughter..and it was time for my part as well.
I woke up today without any dilemmas in between -- i felt it was really going to be awesome -- or so I'd thought.
well, I was supposed to look like it was just an ordinary game and i'll be there watching.
(by the way, I usually get lazy when I have plans. Even if it the hottest guy in school is going to play or anything I go back to bed,  but today, it was weird I was up and ready for it)
So I was there with whispered cheers. I watched.. he noticed I was there but he just gave me a smile..
he was tired so I understand why he didn't talk to me.
then someone came, close to him. I understand that part -- its just that why do i have to be there frozen while they laugh and yadah yadah. dammit! this is my time. @@
well, it was time for me to leave, I walked away, fighting the urge not to cry but it fell.
how embarrassing -- akala mo naman may boyfriend ako.
another, she was with him and I was standing infront of them -- he didn't even say Hi or Hey, Galingan mo sa Doodle. --- that's the time I thought maybe he does like her that he forgets there are people around him -- I'm a friend. @@

I know it's stupid to wait for you, but everytime I try to move on, my hearts keeps insisting that you're the one.

 And I was all alone with my hatred and pain that was so bad, it was like being tortured. Like being dragged slowly across a bed of razor blades. Pain was so bad you'd take death with a smile just to get away from it.
All mt emotions are mixed, I don't know what to feel anymore, it is all painful :'(

I was happy until I realized how hurt I actually was.

you know what? sometimes, it is better like this -- better to keep it all inside, where the only person that could judge is yourself.

here's to the man who can't be moved.

"when I first met you I never would have imagined that I would have such strong feelings for you."

On my silent days, I try my very best to forget you but found out it's actually a mistake because those are the moments when I remember you the most.

these fantasies blow my way like some kind of siren to a foolish girl but in the stillness of my soul I keep returning to what's infront of me --- always you.

I love you so much that not even the truth can change my mind.

I write the things I can't say Elly, so here it is -- I love you.
maybe you know that I've got a crush on you but you have no idea what you really are to me.

I'm doing the scariest part in loving somebody ------ it's giving you my heart.

I already gave it to you.

Sabi nila wag ko raw isipin yung iisipin mo towards sa akin, my pseudo twin kept on telling me this one.

But damn it, it's hard. I've been reading guys since my bestfriend fell in love or maybe movies has given me a lot of things to think about and come up with silly ideas about boys.

I fear that it will be the reason you'll stay away from me.

Well, we don't have exactly those times together which is funny I go drama on about it but we both had rare moments I recall again and again --- 

best times were ---- when you asked me if I was okay.. 062411, that half-day with you 082511, and that day we sat close to each other, if it weren't for your stupid judge, we would've forgotten there were people in there and we could've talked about US 093011.

Indescribable feelings... it is.

I've written thoughts about the people I like before but this one is totally different.
Different in the sense that I am not scared (well I still use code names) to place the name you call yourself. 

If one of your friends read this, I am dead.
BAM! Dead.

But on the other side, I'll be ready. There's this funny habit I do before I got to sleep...

I imagine and do some dramatic scenes in my mind.. so maybe our confrontation would be like...

If he finds out, I want him to ask me the question if I love him.. and I will respond him with convincing look and say simply say "what will happen if I said YES?" 

TAC! 

*sigh. I know telling the truth won't change anything...

it might be the worst move ever. 

I am not getting anything from this actually, but everytime I push myself away from this feeling..

I always find my way back to you...

I wonder if you have that tiny feeling for me.. (no need to wonder -- kasi WALA YUN for sure)

today, you seem not in the mood but twin said you're okay.

you know what? if you are with me, you'll be smiling everyday. I guarantee that. :3

but unfortunately, I will never be able to do that. I here of you but obviously you don't need me.

I could, if only you would let me.  

now i noticed every night ends with a letter to you.

but there's nothing new to say: I miss you, I wish you were here, I wish I could hug you, talk to you again, text or chat and hey! I love you.

LSS: "Of all the faces in my heart, there's only one I choose --- always YOU"

Jamie Sullivan.

I went to school today, ditching my first class for some important things that end up with nothing.
I sort of cried when I was alone, something came in my mind... It's November --- i might wake up tomorrow and its March. The thought that some of my Moogie family is leaving breaks my heart. Ugh.
It was just a sad start actually.. I love ém so much that I can't easily let go of them.

But what if I left first?
What if I am leaving earth before the heartbreaking graduation?

Well, I am sick.
I've been sick since high school.
At first I knew it was just a typical anemia... until A Walk to Remember came...
I had this silly fascination on how the love story ended -- SHE DIED after they got married.
I am hoping to meet my Landon Carter.
So, you might think I have leukemia.
Yes! I do --- well, my doctor said  I was a candidate -- my mom thinks I am too.
But I took medicines and eventually stopped because I always forget. Hahahahahaha.
my last take of iron supplement was 5 years ago.

Of course I'm doing my own assessment... I remember researching about Leukemia ---
it included getting skinny but duh, I am fat. My doctor said before being anemic is not based on our weight.
He explained that in a glass of water my WBC is 3/4 more than my RBC -- ABNORMAL COUNT.
I know that, I was a nursing student that time.
It didn't bother me -- death is one of my favorite things.
anyhoo --- why am i saying this?
It's because symptoms are starting to say Hello Jechi again..
At first I thought I got these bruises from the TBA last Sunday, from the bike accident and when Jethro pulled me into the pool.

But I woke up today with different bruises --- larger than the bruises I got last Sunday.
And it's anywhere. I don't remember bumping or banging myself against anything. the only thing that is breaking is my heart. :'(
*drama on. HAHHAHAAHAHAHAH.

as I was saying, Yes.. the unwanted bruises.. then I have these red spots on my belly, back. Well, I get these red spots easily.. example from itching -- it will just come out like I've done tourniquet or something.
another -- I get sleepy easily... i feel my body is so tired everyday, even just sitting. I mean those natural movements make me tired ----still I am fighting it. I am missing the fun if I let it get me. right?
I can get through this. :') I know.
isang hamak na spekulasyon lang ito. :D

Maybe I am overreacting, Hahahahaha.
where is my Landon Carter? Jamie Sullivan the second here. :') Jk.

thinking of you...

Aside from the fact that I'll be with my Moogs family and spend the whole time having fun,

I was really looking forward on that day because I know you'll be there.

I wanted a little moment with you -- naging kaGroup nga kita pero ano lang naman yun?
anyway, I've been spending my whole night thinking about you --
I lay in my bed and think about things I'll say to you. like...

"i love you"

I also noticed -- you're messing with my head, you always stay there during class hours.

Swerte mo naman at tahimik akong nagmamahal sayo.

I don't care fi you know -- I don't show it much. Pagod na ako ipakita sayo..

baka kasi bigla mong hanapin xD
but seriously, damn! I love you man. I just don't know why..

the feeling is so strong, I don't know what you did to make me feel this way.

may mga oras natutuwa akong isipin ka but I end up...

*sigh

Shit. I don't really know. @@

you're so lucky & you have no idea.

11-11-11 ♥

I've been alive for 1/1/1, 2/2/2, 3/3/3. 4/4/4 -- so on and now 11/11/11.

and will be wishing around 11:11pm ----------- Oh. Just did. :)

All those times, I've never done anything silly with the lucky date, it was just today I felt I needed it.

not that I feel desperate.

the moon was so bright, there were few people in the backfield including us..

we sat there sitting, staring and laughing...

until I thought of sending a message to him.
nagbabakasali lang naman ako, if I am going to rate it --- 9.5 hindi magrereply yun.
I am confident with it.
so stupid right? but well, just for tonight lang naman.

tomorrow, back to normal.

to be honest, I miss that guy so much.
just because I don't talk about him that much doesn't mean I don't love  him anymore.

Actually, it makes me love him more. S* I don't know. I am totally positive with what I am feeling..

geesh. I hate it. 

It's almost 12 and the long wait is over. 

I'm gonna erase his number again because it is totally useless.
*Sigh. so long 11-11-11 at least I had a great time today. I had a glimpse of him leaving.. Lit some candles at The Fort and Stargazing... with Lifehouse. :D
HE was in my mind all the time. 

I miss you Elly.

. 

 

crush talk.

I've been watching this video and I can't stop laughing..

besides from the bits of truth he says about liking someone, his punchlines and facial expression is killing me..

Must Love Gay friends :)))

things he said that I am totally guilty of:

"mga bagay na hindi mo pa magawa --- gagawin mo lang para sa kanya"

well, this is not being "pampam", though its a stupid thing, I want to be the person he can rely on in some situations. :)

"yung pakiramdam pag-nagPM si Crush dahil may kailangan -- nakakaalala lang pag may kailangan"

Summer is the totally this! Hahahahaha. But it makes me happy because of all people -- ME.

he knows I'll be willing to do so much for him.

"stalk sa profile ng girlfriend or boyfriend --- tapos lait-laitin"

Natural thing to do, but in my case with my friends --- we know if the person is really pretty and we know also know when to say if she's fucking ugly. Sorry. :)) wanna bet through Brains & Talents? >:)

PS:

ito lang yung magawa ko matuwa lang ako. @@

1:26am -- ain't hardcore hour.

I can't sleep. I know the time is not too hardcore --- its 7 to 1am.
Hello Nov. 5! Happy Birthday Cousin.

I can taste blood in my mouth, I've been doing a lot of thinking that I constantly bite my tongue every other thought. God has been punishing me, which I totally deserve. In my own little world, the way I see it, everything is on fire. the corner of my room is already charred. my walls are turning grey, I am slowly breaking apart. Like the part in Shutter Island, where Leo embraced Michelle and the room was burning and its turning to ashes. I've becoming the Michelle in there, going pale, slowly breaking.

I really feel that I am so bad. I love my parents so much, and hate them at the same time.
Can I just die?
Thinking of Elly doesn't help. Why would I waste time thinking  about someone who doesn't think of me for a second? Oh I know ---- I love that guy. <3 Sorry. you mad? TROLOL. (funny input. real life: Poker face)

I'm having a quandary. (s* where the hell did I get that word? ---- Intelligent input darling.)
Satan and I seems to be sharing the same cup of Evilness. AM I BAD? what did I do to deserve all of this?
what THIS?
okay I'm broke nigga, and something happened to make it worst.
I'm gonna KILL MYSELF! really @@

how can I get away from this? @@ how?!
I think I am losing it.
Keep holding on Jess. you'll be okay. 
Am I? I wish.

his side.

by the time the person you love speaks -- you'll be wishing he hadn't

while everyone was having a good time, I sat by the shore -- wandering. It's the best thing I do when I'm away from home. My walls would go crushing down if I keep on talking about things that aren't working and my pillows wouldn't be as fluffy as it was bought if I keep on crying with same old reason. As I was making myself busy by counting the ripples of the sea, someone called my attention. It was a voice of someone I really know --- at heart.

"James"  
I turned back, it was him... Damian.
I smiled, keeping that calm facade while deep down, my heart was in a bass setting. It was thumping like hell.
He sat beside me, that made it worst.
I took a deep breathe.

"Hey"
was all I ever said.
" Why aren't you joining the group?"
he asked.
" I'm just grabbing the opportunity to spend my time alone in places like this" 
I replied.
Then there was silence.
The waves were making their melody as it hit the shore.
I was thinking for a topic to make him stay, but my mind wasn't working.  He made a small move. I felt a twinge, he was leaving -- but not, instead he sat closer.

"you like making random names huh?"
he laughed, pointing at the name written on the sand -- Butter Scotch.
For no apparent reason, I felt sad. I took a twig and slashed the word with a thick line.
"Oh it's nothing"  
I smirked.
"Can I ask you something?"
he said and my heart began to go super bass. This was the part I'm afraid of, telling him the truth won't make any difference. You know what will happen? it's the same old act of ugly people in the society -- you fancy someone, the person finds out, avoids you at all cost. I don't want that to happen, not now that I have stayed strong for this because I want to be with him, even it meant only to be friends.
"Uh -- yes?" 
I agreed with hesitancy; he didn't notice. Thanks to the waves.
"Who is Butter Scoth?"
BAM! I knew he would ask that. Keep calm and say something, Jamie Richardson.
"Why so interested?" I asked, giving him a playful punch. He responded with a shrug.
"Some guy I like. I don't know --- he's been messing my mind and my heart."
I sighed.
"What did he do to make you feel that way?" he said, this time he was looking straight to my eyes, can't help but stare away.
"He made me special, Damian."
I told him, like its meant for him to know.
"but maybe, I was wrong -- I just gave too much meaning into it"  I added, just so I wouldn't look like I'm really stupid.
"Maybe he was just being nice" he told me. I've considered the fact guys are sweet by nature. I get it.
"It was just different for me, if you just know" I insisted though I know its obviously wrong.
"Do you still like him?" 
it was a tricky question for me, but
"I do not like him --" I sort of yelled at him
"-- I love him" this time, in a low voice.
I wonder how feels when I said indirectly I love him; His face was empty, he doesn't look like he's happy with what he heard. He seems saddened by it.

"You wouldn't get anything from him, James. I guess, you got it all wrong."
these words hit me.
I was speechless in a moment. He kept going..
"you were right -- maybe he was just being in nice and you just expected much from it -- and"
"Why do you sound like you know him?" I interrupted him mid-way.
He looked ashamed.
"Sorry" he said sheepishly.
"You don't have to say it to my face Damian. I know, I am wrong. It's all my fault, I am hurting myself. But you can't blame me. I'm in love, deal with it" I stood up..
"Hey, I am not mad. --- Uhm. I need to go back --- I think I heard Demi calling me" I lied.
I started to walk away.
"James!" he called.
"I am really sorry, I just don't want to see you get hurt" 
"It's okay, thank you"
I forced a laughed and turned away.
I headed back to our room, tears didn't stop from falling. Good thing Demi and the others were not there; it would've been worst.
Guess that's it. It's the end. He broke my heart with his soft voice. It was so fast, I never had the chance to breathe.
And I just die, a little more inside.