1:26am -- ain't hardcore hour.

I can't sleep. I know the time is not too hardcore --- its 7 to 1am.
Hello Nov. 5! Happy Birthday Cousin.

I can taste blood in my mouth, I've been doing a lot of thinking that I constantly bite my tongue every other thought. God has been punishing me, which I totally deserve. In my own little world, the way I see it, everything is on fire. the corner of my room is already charred. my walls are turning grey, I am slowly breaking apart. Like the part in Shutter Island, where Leo embraced Michelle and the room was burning and its turning to ashes. I've becoming the Michelle in there, going pale, slowly breaking.

I really feel that I am so bad. I love my parents so much, and hate them at the same time.
Can I just die?
Thinking of Elly doesn't help. Why would I waste time thinking  about someone who doesn't think of me for a second? Oh I know ---- I love that guy. <3 Sorry. you mad? TROLOL. (funny input. real life: Poker face)

I'm having a quandary. (s* where the hell did I get that word? ---- Intelligent input darling.)
Satan and I seems to be sharing the same cup of Evilness. AM I BAD? what did I do to deserve all of this?
what THIS?
okay I'm broke nigga, and something happened to make it worst.
I'm gonna KILL MYSELF! really @@

how can I get away from this? @@ how?!
I think I am losing it.
Keep holding on Jess. you'll be okay. 
Am I? I wish.

his side.

by the time the person you love speaks -- you'll be wishing he hadn't

while everyone was having a good time, I sat by the shore -- wandering. It's the best thing I do when I'm away from home. My walls would go crushing down if I keep on talking about things that aren't working and my pillows wouldn't be as fluffy as it was bought if I keep on crying with same old reason. As I was making myself busy by counting the ripples of the sea, someone called my attention. It was a voice of someone I really know --- at heart.

"James"  
I turned back, it was him... Damian.
I smiled, keeping that calm facade while deep down, my heart was in a bass setting. It was thumping like hell.
He sat beside me, that made it worst.
I took a deep breathe.

"Hey"
was all I ever said.
" Why aren't you joining the group?"
he asked.
" I'm just grabbing the opportunity to spend my time alone in places like this" 
I replied.
Then there was silence.
The waves were making their melody as it hit the shore.
I was thinking for a topic to make him stay, but my mind wasn't working.  He made a small move. I felt a twinge, he was leaving -- but not, instead he sat closer.

"you like making random names huh?"
he laughed, pointing at the name written on the sand -- Butter Scotch.
For no apparent reason, I felt sad. I took a twig and slashed the word with a thick line.
"Oh it's nothing"  
I smirked.
"Can I ask you something?"
he said and my heart began to go super bass. This was the part I'm afraid of, telling him the truth won't make any difference. You know what will happen? it's the same old act of ugly people in the society -- you fancy someone, the person finds out, avoids you at all cost. I don't want that to happen, not now that I have stayed strong for this because I want to be with him, even it meant only to be friends.
"Uh -- yes?" 
I agreed with hesitancy; he didn't notice. Thanks to the waves.
"Who is Butter Scoth?"
BAM! I knew he would ask that. Keep calm and say something, Jamie Richardson.
"Why so interested?" I asked, giving him a playful punch. He responded with a shrug.
"Some guy I like. I don't know --- he's been messing my mind and my heart."
I sighed.
"What did he do to make you feel that way?" he said, this time he was looking straight to my eyes, can't help but stare away.
"He made me special, Damian."
I told him, like its meant for him to know.
"but maybe, I was wrong -- I just gave too much meaning into it"  I added, just so I wouldn't look like I'm really stupid.
"Maybe he was just being nice" he told me. I've considered the fact guys are sweet by nature. I get it.
"It was just different for me, if you just know" I insisted though I know its obviously wrong.
"Do you still like him?" 
it was a tricky question for me, but
"I do not like him --" I sort of yelled at him
"-- I love him" this time, in a low voice.
I wonder how feels when I said indirectly I love him; His face was empty, he doesn't look like he's happy with what he heard. He seems saddened by it.

"You wouldn't get anything from him, James. I guess, you got it all wrong."
these words hit me.
I was speechless in a moment. He kept going..
"you were right -- maybe he was just being in nice and you just expected much from it -- and"
"Why do you sound like you know him?" I interrupted him mid-way.
He looked ashamed.
"Sorry" he said sheepishly.
"You don't have to say it to my face Damian. I know, I am wrong. It's all my fault, I am hurting myself. But you can't blame me. I'm in love, deal with it" I stood up..
"Hey, I am not mad. --- Uhm. I need to go back --- I think I heard Demi calling me" I lied.
I started to walk away.
"James!" he called.
"I am really sorry, I just don't want to see you get hurt" 
"It's okay, thank you"
I forced a laughed and turned away.
I headed back to our room, tears didn't stop from falling. Good thing Demi and the others were not there; it would've been worst.
Guess that's it. It's the end. He broke my heart with his soft voice. It was so fast, I never had the chance to breathe.
And I just die, a little more inside.

the hell.

yung sandaling nararamdaman mo na ang tinutukoy niya ay ang taong gusto mo..

if I am right ---- shoot. real siya! no wonder pinapipilitan niya si **** sa lahat ng bagay..

classmates sila -- yun lang yung lamang niya dun. *sigh.

TF!

so, nagagalit ako. @@

KEEP HOLDING ON. :')

we'll save this, pinky promise that.

ALMOST :D

There is this guy that I named after a character in 500 days of Summer, He is Summer Finn and automatically that makes me Tom Hansen [HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH :)) ] well, these things happened last year pa -- I am totally over it.

I just had to write this down because it was almost epic and Jethro has to ruin it.
but I ain't mad...

I just got home from a three day retreat and it was so awesome, if only I have no people left behind in this chaotic world, I would have extended my stay there [if only the food they serve was yummy too HAHAHAAHAHAHA.]

Well, our Third Session about Healing of our Heart was the interesting one, we talked about Pains, the hurts we've encountered, the people, everything, after that there was this portion where we have to give candles to someone whom we've hurt or just simply thank them.
I received a lot of thank yous and sorry's and I told my friends I'll say sorry to Summer.

So without hesistation, I took one candle and came up to him.

I said "Sorry for everything'

He gave me this look "Bakit ka nagsosorry?" he knew I was lying.

I answered "Basta sa mga times na inaway kita and stuff"
he kept asking when or where.. so I uttered " Fine, Thank you"

then he added " sa pagmamahal?" he smiled.

It made me laugh, I insisted the "Thank you" and nothing more.

So I left and approached the others, then late on.. 

he called me...

"Hey!" he came to me with a candle then started off saying

"Sorry and Salamat sa --- Look at me first in the face"

I was not looking at him kasi I was loking horrible, we were crying na kasi.

so he continued " Salamt sa pagmamahal, di man yun bisto pero may"

and Ugh. Jethro came saying thank you to him.

I insisted Summer to continue but he started his teasing antics that led me to say Fine, Wag na.

I wrote a letter on that same night, it was part of the activity actually, It was for him. He almost answered the question I wrote in that paper that I chose to burn. [ there is no use in giving it to him, I am over it, I just thought of him for the last time :)]

Someday, I'll tell him the truth. :D Maybe that someday will be this December. HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH.

PAIN.

I do a lot of things everyday and its making me forget you but
when its time for me to stop, all I do is think of you.

I keep my thoughts about him everyday because I know my friends are tired of hearing his name.
there are things I'd like him to know, I just don't know how to say it.
Until now it makes me wonder...
why did it have to stop? what did I do?
My heart just fell.

I try to convince myself its okay but the truth is -- its not.

I love him and that's just about everything.

All i can do is just love him from a distance.. I can do that, I've been doing that --- always.

I've always wished I can be with you.

072711 ♥

Whitney Houston Cece Winans - Count On Me
Mp3-Codes.com

when it comes to friends ---- I am willing to do everything even if it meant hurting myself.

nakakatawa na nakaktouch yung pangyayari kanina sa room. yung simpleng usapan tungkol sa leadership sa isang organization nauwi sa ibang bagay -- PAGKAKAIBIGAN. siguro masyado na kameng masaya at kinakailangan na naming umiyak. 

yung malungkot lang yung isa tapos lahat apektado. simpleng salita na ang intensyon ay magbigay ng opinion naging rason para maungkat yung damdamin talaga namin sa isa't isa. parang nasa isang linya kame ng kuryente, kumbaga one way circuit lang kame. akalain mo, para sa organization naman yun dapat pero yung naisip naming organization is yung friendship namin.

to be honest, sa kanila ko 'to naranasan. 

naiyak man siguro ako dati pero dahil drama talaga yun, pero yung seryosong topic? as in HRD? mapupunta sa damdaming pangkaibigan? iba yun bro. 

we're so contagious then. nagmukha kameng selfish nun kasi epmhasize yung kameng 12 lang. 

di mo naman kame masisisi, kasi kame lang naman talaga yun. :))

UNIQUE kame. Di kame peke. Pranka? oo naman.

I want US to last.

I want na kame pa ring lahat -- through thick and thin.

hanggang magkaroon na kame ng sariling Moogs Van.

hanggang maging RGC's kame.

hanggang magkaroon na kame ng sariling school namin LIKE STARS ON EARTH ACADEMY.

to those I love so much... yung 11 na 'to.

Guys, you may keep on saying in times of troubles na no one would understand.. believe me, I can always keep up with you. kahit anong problema yan, kung ako ang sasabihan mo, di ko kayo bibitawan even if it meant killing myself. I can give up my life for you guys (that goes to my family as well)...
my happiness and everything -- I'd rather be in pain than seeing all of you sad. 

true yan. Love you so much -- you know who you are :')