let's talk about friendship

I've got a lot of friends.. but this one is different.

I got a family but this summer, something is trying to tear us apart. Some of us are slipping away.

I'm writing this post because I need to say something about this one friend...

She's been cold.

I don't know if she meant us in her posts.. I'd like to think it was all coincidence, that just right after the special message, she would say something opposing to it.
I don't know what we did to make her act like that.
I hope I'm wrong, I'm wishing its somebody else. :|

I can't be mad at her, she has done a lot things for our group.. I can't just ignore that.
But the way she described what kind of friends we are, pains me... it sounded like WE ARE NOTHING.

all of those things we did together, didn't mean anything...

I don't know what to do, asking her about it is not easy.. :|
I still hope for the best.

Black Saturday

wow. I almost forgot this thing existed.
well, I have my own private blog that is viewed by me. I sound stupid (always)
there are a lot of good writers and I don't think i am good at this.. well, I'm a frustrated writer. I've done a lot of short stories... as far as i can remember, I finished two out of hundreds.. Ha! I remember I wrote two tragedies.  I haven't finished my attempted novel. so pathetic of me.

guess what, chestnut! I feel better these days... since this guy came. :)
I've known him since summer because of that one class.
we're really close now --- just close. :)

does this blog have to be this way? ^_____________^

Friday.

I can't sleep again. :|
and something happened a while ago, I don't know whats in it but my dear friend said, it is something I can't take because according to her, if it hurt her what more me? @@

I get upset with something I never had.

One night, as I was wandering to sleep, I had this strange feeling...I thought what if someone wants to be with me? someone who will make me happy? will I say YES?

 from the fact that I've waited for nothing.. maybe its time that I need to be happy with somebody else.

But just by thinking about giving up my love for him pains me. it's like I just can't leave him. 

I am scared. 

I know he doesn't care, I know this is something very foolish because all he did was hurt me [without even trying] --- shit I don't know. 

I've held on so long, I just can't give up right now.

you know what scares me? it is waking up one day, knowing all this time he was in love with me, all he needed was time.

Another crazy assumption! I know.. but that happens.. to others, I mean. This happened one time to me, I can't let it happen again.

*sigh. I sound stupid but I have thoughts, this is my blog anyway...

I'm still in love with him.

any given Sunday..

I've noticed that everytime I am freely given the opportunity to hangout, like God  has given me this moment --- I always end up hurt or at least sad. Is it because I needed to see what reality was?
If it is... I'm all updated with that. I am fully aware we're not going anywhere (and suddenly I hear someone says "WHATS THE POINT?") but I love him --- I really do. @@

I just had to walk away there because I cant stand another laughter..and it was time for my part as well.
I woke up today without any dilemmas in between -- i felt it was really going to be awesome -- or so I'd thought.
well, I was supposed to look like it was just an ordinary game and i'll be there watching.
(by the way, I usually get lazy when I have plans. Even if it the hottest guy in school is going to play or anything I go back to bed,  but today, it was weird I was up and ready for it)
So I was there with whispered cheers. I watched.. he noticed I was there but he just gave me a smile..
he was tired so I understand why he didn't talk to me.
then someone came, close to him. I understand that part -- its just that why do i have to be there frozen while they laugh and yadah yadah. dammit! this is my time. @@
well, it was time for me to leave, I walked away, fighting the urge not to cry but it fell.
how embarrassing -- akala mo naman may boyfriend ako.
another, she was with him and I was standing infront of them -- he didn't even say Hi or Hey, Galingan mo sa Doodle. --- that's the time I thought maybe he does like her that he forgets there are people around him -- I'm a friend. @@

I know it's stupid to wait for you, but everytime I try to move on, my hearts keeps insisting that you're the one.

 And I was all alone with my hatred and pain that was so bad, it was like being tortured. Like being dragged slowly across a bed of razor blades. Pain was so bad you'd take death with a smile just to get away from it.
All mt emotions are mixed, I don't know what to feel anymore, it is all painful :'(

I was happy until I realized how hurt I actually was.

you know what? sometimes, it is better like this -- better to keep it all inside, where the only person that could judge is yourself.

here's to the man who can't be moved.

"when I first met you I never would have imagined that I would have such strong feelings for you."

On my silent days, I try my very best to forget you but found out it's actually a mistake because those are the moments when I remember you the most.

these fantasies blow my way like some kind of siren to a foolish girl but in the stillness of my soul I keep returning to what's infront of me --- always you.

I love you so much that not even the truth can change my mind.

I write the things I can't say Elly, so here it is -- I love you.
maybe you know that I've got a crush on you but you have no idea what you really are to me.

I'm doing the scariest part in loving somebody ------ it's giving you my heart.

I already gave it to you.

Sabi nila wag ko raw isipin yung iisipin mo towards sa akin, my pseudo twin kept on telling me this one.

But damn it, it's hard. I've been reading guys since my bestfriend fell in love or maybe movies has given me a lot of things to think about and come up with silly ideas about boys.

I fear that it will be the reason you'll stay away from me.

Well, we don't have exactly those times together which is funny I go drama on about it but we both had rare moments I recall again and again --- 

best times were ---- when you asked me if I was okay.. 062411, that half-day with you 082511, and that day we sat close to each other, if it weren't for your stupid judge, we would've forgotten there were people in there and we could've talked about US 093011.

Indescribable feelings... it is.

I've written thoughts about the people I like before but this one is totally different.
Different in the sense that I am not scared (well I still use code names) to place the name you call yourself. 

If one of your friends read this, I am dead.
BAM! Dead.

But on the other side, I'll be ready. There's this funny habit I do before I got to sleep...

I imagine and do some dramatic scenes in my mind.. so maybe our confrontation would be like...

If he finds out, I want him to ask me the question if I love him.. and I will respond him with convincing look and say simply say "what will happen if I said YES?" 

TAC! 

*sigh. I know telling the truth won't change anything...

it might be the worst move ever. 

I am not getting anything from this actually, but everytime I push myself away from this feeling..

I always find my way back to you...

I wonder if you have that tiny feeling for me.. (no need to wonder -- kasi WALA YUN for sure)

today, you seem not in the mood but twin said you're okay.

you know what? if you are with me, you'll be smiling everyday. I guarantee that. :3

but unfortunately, I will never be able to do that. I here of you but obviously you don't need me.

I could, if only you would let me.  

now i noticed every night ends with a letter to you.

but there's nothing new to say: I miss you, I wish you were here, I wish I could hug you, talk to you again, text or chat and hey! I love you.

LSS: "Of all the faces in my heart, there's only one I choose --- always YOU"

Jamie Sullivan.

I went to school today, ditching my first class for some important things that end up with nothing.
I sort of cried when I was alone, something came in my mind... It's November --- i might wake up tomorrow and its March. The thought that some of my Moogie family is leaving breaks my heart. Ugh.
It was just a sad start actually.. I love ém so much that I can't easily let go of them.

But what if I left first?
What if I am leaving earth before the heartbreaking graduation?

Well, I am sick.
I've been sick since high school.
At first I knew it was just a typical anemia... until A Walk to Remember came...
I had this silly fascination on how the love story ended -- SHE DIED after they got married.
I am hoping to meet my Landon Carter.
So, you might think I have leukemia.
Yes! I do --- well, my doctor said  I was a candidate -- my mom thinks I am too.
But I took medicines and eventually stopped because I always forget. Hahahahahaha.
my last take of iron supplement was 5 years ago.

Of course I'm doing my own assessment... I remember researching about Leukemia ---
it included getting skinny but duh, I am fat. My doctor said before being anemic is not based on our weight.
He explained that in a glass of water my WBC is 3/4 more than my RBC -- ABNORMAL COUNT.
I know that, I was a nursing student that time.
It didn't bother me -- death is one of my favorite things.
anyhoo --- why am i saying this?
It's because symptoms are starting to say Hello Jechi again..
At first I thought I got these bruises from the TBA last Sunday, from the bike accident and when Jethro pulled me into the pool.

But I woke up today with different bruises --- larger than the bruises I got last Sunday.
And it's anywhere. I don't remember bumping or banging myself against anything. the only thing that is breaking is my heart. :'(
*drama on. HAHHAHAAHAHAHAH.

as I was saying, Yes.. the unwanted bruises.. then I have these red spots on my belly, back. Well, I get these red spots easily.. example from itching -- it will just come out like I've done tourniquet or something.
another -- I get sleepy easily... i feel my body is so tired everyday, even just sitting. I mean those natural movements make me tired ----still I am fighting it. I am missing the fun if I let it get me. right?
I can get through this. :') I know.
isang hamak na spekulasyon lang ito. :D

Maybe I am overreacting, Hahahahaha.
where is my Landon Carter? Jamie Sullivan the second here. :') Jk.

thinking of you...

Aside from the fact that I'll be with my Moogs family and spend the whole time having fun,

I was really looking forward on that day because I know you'll be there.

I wanted a little moment with you -- naging kaGroup nga kita pero ano lang naman yun?
anyway, I've been spending my whole night thinking about you --
I lay in my bed and think about things I'll say to you. like...

"i love you"

I also noticed -- you're messing with my head, you always stay there during class hours.

Swerte mo naman at tahimik akong nagmamahal sayo.

I don't care fi you know -- I don't show it much. Pagod na ako ipakita sayo..

baka kasi bigla mong hanapin xD
but seriously, damn! I love you man. I just don't know why..

the feeling is so strong, I don't know what you did to make me feel this way.

may mga oras natutuwa akong isipin ka but I end up...

*sigh

Shit. I don't really know. @@

you're so lucky & you have no idea.